About Me, Life

Borderline Personality Disorder

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Borderline personality disorder is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships.


Disclaimer: I am by no means an expert on borderline personality disorder. Everything I’m writing is my thoughts, and not to be taken in place of a medical professional’s opinions.


Does BPD affect parenting?

Yes, it does. BPD effects every relationship in your life. Making each more difficult, and making you need to learn how to deal with things as well as you can.


What was your first thoughts when you were diagnosed and/or researched bpd?

That is was spot on, and that I had never read anything I related to more. It was like someone was writing about me, and I finally had answers to every question I’d ever had, and some I never even thought of until then.


Did you know about BPD before being diagnosed?

I did. I had been researching everything I could to give me peace of mind. I read more and more and it hit home. So, I mentioned it to my therapist at the time and we discussed it at length. I had previously been diagnosed as bipolar, but she says that’s common.


What’s the worst feeling that comes with BPD? Is there any positives to it?

The extremes. It really messes with you, and it’s tiring. Nothing is simple for someone with borderline personality disorder. Love or hate- imagine bouncing between the two. Not only with how you view your relationships with other, but how others see you. You could have a tiny disagreement with your best friend, and suddenly, they’re nothing. Or they think you’re stupid and hate you and you need to rush to apologize.

Sometimes it’s the feeling suicidal, but not actively. It’s not caring if you die, but not wanting to do it yourself. To think “it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t wake up”, but not “I’m going to kill myself tonight”.

The only good I can see from it is that we love with everything we have. We are empathetic, and that’s all I got.



In my experience, it may explain why things are happening, and help me notice them…but I have yet to be able to stop my destructive behaviors. I can tell when I’m not in my right mind, and when I’m blowing things out of proportion, but I can’t stop. Even when that’s all I want.

There is no cure for BPD. It is something you live with for the rest of your life. There’s therapy, and learning to manage, but it’s never gone.

It’s being terrified of being abandoned when you haven’t heard from someone in X amount of time. It’s being afraid to tell someone how you feel because you know sometimes that you sound crazy. It’s failing at relationships because of your own extremes. It’s the self-loathing, the self-destructive behavior, and constant worry.

I’m sitting on my back steps at 6:45 pm EST, listening to the random noises of nature and my kids playing in the moonlight, only aided by our one back light. They’ll come in dirty, and in need of a shower, and a bath. They’ll whine about brushing their teeth, they’ll fight about bedtime, they’ll ask a million questions…

And then it’s quiet.

That’s when it starts. The worrying you didn’t do enough that day. It’s the worry that your extremes got to you while you were trying to get your kid to brush their teeth. That you were too harsh when it comes to getting them to bed. It’s taking the usual parenting worries and multiplying them by 100. It’s being terrified of this rubbing off on them. Two completely innocent beings who watch everything you do, and listen to everything you say. It’s going to bed with tears threatening to break because you weren’t present enough. It’s promising to do better the next day, and hoping with everything in you that the next day is better.

Because those bad days?

Can fucking break you.

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Recipes

Peanut Butter Pie

Now, this was supposed to be three recipes.

However, I didn’t get pictures of the handpies I made with my daughter, and it wasn’t the recipe I wanted to post. I had to change the recipe for what we got last minute. So, that’ll happen another time.

And my son has been pure hell, so we haven’t made the cupcakes just yet. Soon, I hope. I think that the break just messed with him, and since school is back in session…it’ll get better.

AND I’ll be making gluten free pancakes soon, with homemade strawberry syrup…but I need to get sprinkles because I’m picky like that. XD

Without anymore rambling…have a recipe!


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Ingredients:
1- 8oz package of cream cheese
1/2 cup of confectioners (powered) sugar
1 cup peanut butter (can be halved)
1 small container of cool whip
1 graham or chocolate crust
Reese’s Candy (optional)


  1. Mix together sugar, cream cheese, and peanut butter until smooth.
  2. Add 1/2 of the cool whip and using a spatula, fold the whip into the peanut butter mixture until combined.
  3. Put pie in pie shell and gently spread around until even.
  4. Put remaining whip cream on top and spread around.
  5. Top with candy (optional)

Enjoy!

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About Me, Life

Polyamory and Parenting

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Polyamory: Polyamory is the practice of or desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners. It has been described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy”.

Parenting: Parenting or child rearing is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood


A few days back I posted a poll on Twitter, and shared it on my facebook, my main Tumblr, and my writing Tumblr. I asked what people would want me to blog about next. I gave three options, and then an option for suggestions. The winning topic was ‘polyamory and parenting’.

So, I then reached out again asking for questions. I wanted to know what people were curious about, what they were wondering, etc. I got a total of 5, but some are being split into multiple parts for me to answer.

I am by no means an expert, and while I am going to do my best to answer the questions, please understand that others may feel differently.


Easiest part? Hardest part?

I think the easiest part is feeling open and secure enough to point out when I find someone attractive. There’s no worry about “looking” at another person. It’s the understanding that we’re human, and just because we’re checking another person out, we’re not pursuing them. However, we are free to do that. It’s a nice feeling to have that freedom.

I’d say the hardest part is people not understanding polyamory, and confusing it with polygamy. Which pairs with finding a partner. Either people aren’t “into” that, or “find it weird”, etc, etc.


Is it harder as a parent to maintain this kind of relationship?

I’m not sure, to be honest.

While I’ve been practicing polyamory since high school (without knowing what it was), I’ve always had trouble with relationships. They’re difficult for me either way, but I can’t say that being a parent has made it more difficult.


How do you deal with jealousy in poly?

With honesty. I can’t say that jealousy never happens in a polyamorous relationship, because that would be a lie. We’re human, and it’s a very human emotion.


With poly relationships regarding parenthood, is all involved considered parents?

Yes, and no.

That is not a question I can answer for everyone.

With some relationships, they may, and with others, they may not. For me, personally, I’d have to be with someone for some time, they would need to get along with Anthony, and be good with my kids. Only then would I consider talking to Anthony about their role as parent concerning the kids.

However, right off the bat? No.


  1. Can you explain transitioning into a polyamorous relationship from a previously monogamous relationship?

  2. How do the kids factor in?

  3. What sort of exposure or understanding should they have?

  • It’s been years for us, but I believe we discussed it at some point. Being monogamous, while doable, didn’t seem to mesh with who I am. There needs to be honesty, communication, etc. Many have rules. For example, one of ours is no unprotected sex, no casual sex, things like that.
  • At first, I would introduce new partners more as ‘friends’ if they didn’t know them already. I’d include them with simple things. Letting them know they are still top priority. I used to let my partner know if Anakin had a good day at school, and some days he’d ask how my friend was, etc. When I simply referred to her as my girlfriend, he asked. And it was very simple explaining to him how things worked. That some families only had a mommy, some only had a daddy, some had both, some had two mommies or daddies, and went on down to explain that families do differently. I think that keeping it geared towards your kid is important, keeping it towards how they’d understand it. Just as no two relationships are the same, neither are no two children. I tried not to make it into some huge deal, so that way it was more normal for them. “Mommy has a girlfriend, cool!” type deal for them.

If there’s a breakup, I simply explained sometimes things work out, and sometimes they don’t. That it sucks when they don’t, but that’s life. It happens, and I’d be sad for a little bit, but I’d be okay.


Those were all the questions that I had gotten, so I hope that was helpful!

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Life

Gluten-Lite

I am the queen of ‘I really shouldn’t eat/drink this…but I’m gonna’. The list of examples would be far too long, so I’ll just give a couple- caffeine, and alcohol are my top two. Now, I don’t drink a lot, but I’m not supposed to drink at all. Says so on a couple of my medications.

Awhile back, I began cutting out gluten. Things went well for a bit, and then the store we had been buying my gluten free goods at didn’t sell my damn pancake mix anymore. I know, it’s just pancake mix, but it was a serious travesty to me. It was so good. We looked other places, and nothing. And, I threw in the towel, so to speak.

We’ve been discussing getting healthier, and cutting back on gluten was something we agreed on. I mentioned cutting back to my doctor ages ago, and she agreed that it would be a good idea. So it’s not like I am just doing it on a whim. I’ve done my research, etc.

He’s priced some gluten free flour for us, I bought us a gluten free baking cook book, and we found me some gluten free options at Publix while we were killing time before my doctor’s appointment. I was so happy to find pancake mix again! Not the one I had been using, but like 3-4 different options.

We’ll still buy regular bread, as that’s not something we eat a ton of. We mainly buy it for the kids more than anything. We saw gluten free pizza, too! Publix isn’t on our usual shopping route, but we’re adding it in. It’ll be something we transition with slowly over time, while we use our old food first. I don’t want to waste anything, so as we run out of things…we can replace them with gluten free options if we so choose.

I plan to blog about it, too. I’ll post recipes we try, and rate them on ease, and taste. With pictures! Duh lol. I’ll write about changes I notice over time, as well.

We plan to make more veggie pasta, as well. I love me some veggie pasta!

Here are some links for y’all:

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Life

Fighting Anxiety

We were driving back from dropping the kids off at my mom’s when my husband says “this was the first anxiety you faced” or something like that. We were on a short, low bridge. I hate bridges, and used to grip his thigh tight when going over them. That was the first bridge I walked across, and we did it randomly when taking walks together. I still have issues going over the bridge into Jacksonville, however. I play games on my phone or close my eyes so I don’t see it. You do what you gotta do, right?

I have a lot of anxieties, which feed into other issues I have. Vicious cycle right there.

I told my psych that my goal is to go to Jacksonville pride in 2018, and that I’m trying to work towards it. I’ve been doing little things here and there to push myself. She told me that she was proud, and that meant a lot.

Now, I’m ready to tackle my next anxiety.

Body hair.

Yup. Body hair gives me wicked anxiety. Correction: MY body hair gives me wicked anxiety.

Story time!

The first summer after I moved to CT from FL, I was signed up for summer camp. The day kind. Well, there were high schools who worked there. Swimming was one of the activities. Now, up until then I had no issues with my body. It never occurred to me that I was fat, or hairy. To me…I was just me. One of the high school girls there changed my life forever with one word: gorilla. She was about 17, and here I was at maybe 10. Sure, I looked older, but that was besides the point. She mocked me while I was in my bathing suit- about my size, and my body hair.

I told my Grandmother that I never wanted to go back there. She told my Uncle, who knew the people that ran the camp. She was fired, but then her words were still backed up. My Uncle told my Grandmother it was time I start shaving. I was told that it would stop the bullying. Never was I told it was natural, never was I told that she was wrong. Just that I should shave. So, I did.

For awhile, I shaved only in warmer months, not bothering when I was in pants. And then one Christmas, my then step-father saw my calf, and asked me why I hadn’t shaved. When I told him it was cold, so I didn’t bother, he laughed. He told me that guys don’t like hairy legs. I can’t recall how old I was, but it shouldn’t matter.

I’ve shaved since. Even my arms. If I go more than 2 days, I get anxious. I panic. I feel disgusting, and dirty. I completely support women not wanting to shave- legs or anything else. I envy them, to be honest.

So, that’s where this comes in.

I shaved day before yesterday. That means I’m on day 2. Goal? 7 days. I plan to go 7 days without touching my razor. We have the Dollar Shave Club subscription, which is amazing. It’s affordable, convenient, and the razors are the best quality. Even so, shaving is time consuming, and I want to be over this aversion to body hair.

Feel free to join me ladies. We got this.

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Life

EMDR

What is EMDR?

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences.


Before my diagnosis of PTSD, I had never heard of EMDR. My then therapist felt it would work well for me, and I was eager to try it. I was hoping it was the answer I’d been searching for. She explained that it would get worse before things got better, and I understood that. It would get worse either way, right?

We moved before we could begin, and I am in the process of getting a referral for a therapist. Because that’s how things are done with TriCare. I need a referral from my doctor, then the therapist needs to contact me to get an appointment. Kinda blows when I’m terrified of answering the damn phone.

Anyways!

Knowing that this time of year, on top of the need for such things, that it may be a bit before things get into play (and that I have to go through the anxiety of a new therapist, etc, etc…), I googled it. I googled ‘at home EMDR’. Out of curiosity.

I was honestly surprised with how much came up. I skimmed it mainly for now, before I delve into what people have written. I save a video, in case I find it’s something I’d like to try.

Have any of you ever done EMDR? Either with a therapist, or at home? If you have, what were your experiences like? Positive, or negative? I’d like to hear from y’all!

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Life

An Open Letter to my Abuser’s New Family

Dear new family of his,

I’ve been thinking of writing this for months. Words tumbled in my mind over what I could possibly say. What words could even begin to encompass the feelings and thoughts that I wish to convey. And, honestly, I’m still not entirely sure.

I had given up on the hope of writing this. At first, this was meant to be private, sent to only his new girlfriend. At first, this was meant to be a private plea for her to save her girls from his vicious warpath.

And then, I watched a two part autobiography on Elizabeth Smart. I’m sure that you’ve heard of her. But, if you haven’t, google her. Read about her strength, and about the hell she went through. She gave me the words needed, and the courage to not hide away.

I know that you have an inkling of what he’s truly like. Don’t pretend that you don’t. Don’t pretend that you haven’t felt the fear that he’d lash out at you. Don’t pretend that you havne’t felt that shiver of dread when you hear his voice. I’m sure that you’ve also seen the side that he shows most people. The side that makes it so you don’t think people would believe you. The side that makes him seem like a great guy, and so easy going.

He’s not.

And, I believe you.

I wish I could say I simply suffered underneath the fear, the depression, and more for just 17 years years. I wish that finally getting away from him ended it. That I moved on, and let it stay in my past. The truth is, that’s not how my life went.

My 29th birthday is 2 days from now, and I’m still suffering, all these years later. His actions, his lack of compassion, and his words will haunt me for the rest of my life. I will never escape the consequences of a lifetime of knowing him.

In 2013, I was diagnosed with PTSD, something that I’d been suffering with for years, it seems. I was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, OCD tendencies, and severe anxiety. Fast forward, and I had a near break down. I was almost to the point of checking myself into a hospital. I went to group therapy, and had binge eating disorder added on to my ever growing list.

Every single one of them can be tied back to him. His voice echoes in my head to this day.

I had my potential stolen from me. I had my life taken. I had my dreams dashed before I even knew what I’d be missing. I wanted to go to Duke University. Instead, I dropped out of high school. I wanted to live a full, fun, outgoing life. Instead, I’m terrified of going out, I’ve never been to a club, I’ve never done things that most people my age have. I missed out on so much happiness because of him.

“You haven’t seen him in almost 12 years, move on.” Oh, I wish I could. I wish I could move on. You have no idea what that would mean to me. When you are raised around someone who devalues everything about you, who is controlling, vile, cruel, and is there all the time? That’s your inner voice.

There’s the nightmares.

There’s the medication to be able to function.

There’s the fear of crying in front of people.

There’s the anger that comes with the memories.

There’s the mourning for a life you never had the chance to live.

There’s the mourning for your dreams.

There’s the lost hope.

There’s the lost faith.

There’s the lack of trust.

You still have a chance, I hope. You still have the chance to get far, far away from him. There’s hope for the innocent lives that he touches. I barely survived to this point, and it’s only a matter of time until he’s responsible for someone’s death. Either by murder, or driving them to suicide.

He has shaped every aspect of my life, and some days I don’t know why I bother trying to reshape it. It’s so hard. It’s incredibly difficult, and painful to try to fight the memories, to try to make it through the day. When the main thing you feel is pain, you wonder what the point is.

My kids push me through.

Save yours from a fate that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Save them from years of pain. Save them from years of self-loathing, from possibly bad coping skills, from searching for the acceptance they’d crave.

Stand up to him, and show him he isn’t the all mighty lord he sees himself as.

Show him that people are willing to put a stop to his abuse.

I used to pray to a God I no longer believe in that a heart attack would kill him. Clearly, I never got my wish. So, give me this. Don’t let anyone else suffer because of him.

Don’t let Robert win.

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