Borderline personality disorder is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships.
Disclaimer: I am by no means an expert on borderline personality disorder. Everything I’m writing is my thoughts, and not to be taken in place of a medical professional’s opinions.
Does BPD affect parenting?
Yes, it does. BPD effects every relationship in your life. Making each more difficult, and making you need to learn how to deal with things as well as you can.
What was your first thoughts when you were diagnosed and/or researched bpd?
That is was spot on, and that I had never read anything I related to more. It was like someone was writing about me, and I finally had answers to every question I’d ever had, and some I never even thought of until then.
Did you know about BPD before being diagnosed?
I did. I had been researching everything I could to give me peace of mind. I read more and more and it hit home. So, I mentioned it to my therapist at the time and we discussed it at length. I had previously been diagnosed as bipolar, but she says that’s common.
What’s the worst feeling that comes with BPD? Is there any positives to it?
The extremes. It really messes with you, and it’s tiring. Nothing is simple for someone with borderline personality disorder. Love or hate- imagine bouncing between the two. Not only with how you view your relationships with other, but how others see you. You could have a tiny disagreement with your best friend, and suddenly, they’re nothing. Or they think you’re stupid and hate you and you need to rush to apologize.
Sometimes it’s the feeling suicidal, but not actively. It’s not caring if you die, but not wanting to do it yourself. To think “it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t wake up”, but not “I’m going to kill myself tonight”.
The only good I can see from it is that we love with everything we have. We are empathetic, and that’s all I got.
In my experience, it may explain why things are happening, and help me notice them…but I have yet to be able to stop my destructive behaviors. I can tell when I’m not in my right mind, and when I’m blowing things out of proportion, but I can’t stop. Even when that’s all I want.
There is no cure for BPD. It is something you live with for the rest of your life. There’s therapy, and learning to manage, but it’s never gone.
It’s being terrified of being abandoned when you haven’t heard from someone in X amount of time. It’s being afraid to tell someone how you feel because you know sometimes that you sound crazy. It’s failing at relationships because of your own extremes. It’s the self-loathing, the self-destructive behavior, and constant worry.
I’m sitting on my back steps at 6:45 pm EST, listening to the random noises of nature and my kids playing in the moonlight, only aided by our one back light. They’ll come in dirty, and in need of a shower, and a bath. They’ll whine about brushing their teeth, they’ll fight about bedtime, they’ll ask a million questions…
And then it’s quiet.
That’s when it starts. The worrying you didn’t do enough that day. It’s the worry that your extremes got to you while you were trying to get your kid to brush their teeth. That you were too harsh when it comes to getting them to bed. It’s taking the usual parenting worries and multiplying them by 100. It’s being terrified of this rubbing off on them. Two completely innocent beings who watch everything you do, and listen to everything you say. It’s going to bed with tears threatening to break because you weren’t present enough. It’s promising to do better the next day, and hoping with everything in you that the next day is better.
Because those bad days?
Can fucking break you.