We were driving back from dropping the kids off at my mom’s when my husband says “this was the first anxiety you faced” or something like that. We were on a short, low bridge. I hate bridges, and used to grip his thigh tight when going over them. That was the first bridge I walked across, and we did it randomly when taking walks together. I still have issues going over the bridge into Jacksonville, however. I play games on my phone or close my eyes so I don’t see it. You do what you gotta do, right?
I have a lot of anxieties, which feed into other issues I have. Vicious cycle right there.
I told my psych that my goal is to go to Jacksonville pride in 2018, and that I’m trying to work towards it. I’ve been doing little things here and there to push myself. She told me that she was proud, and that meant a lot.
Now, I’m ready to tackle my next anxiety.
Yup. Body hair gives me wicked anxiety. Correction: MY body hair gives me wicked anxiety.
The first summer after I moved to CT from FL, I was signed up for summer camp. The day kind. Well, there were high schools who worked there. Swimming was one of the activities. Now, up until then I had no issues with my body. It never occurred to me that I was fat, or hairy. To me…I was just me. One of the high school girls there changed my life forever with one word: gorilla. She was about 17, and here I was at maybe 10. Sure, I looked older, but that was besides the point. She mocked me while I was in my bathing suit- about my size, and my body hair.
I told my Grandmother that I never wanted to go back there. She told my Uncle, who knew the people that ran the camp. She was fired, but then her words were still backed up. My Uncle told my Grandmother it was time I start shaving. I was told that it would stop the bullying. Never was I told it was natural, never was I told that she was wrong. Just that I should shave. So, I did.
For awhile, I shaved only in warmer months, not bothering when I was in pants. And then one Christmas, my then step-father saw my calf, and asked me why I hadn’t shaved. When I told him it was cold, so I didn’t bother, he laughed. He told me that guys don’t like hairy legs. I can’t recall how old I was, but it shouldn’t matter.
I’ve shaved since. Even my arms. If I go more than 2 days, I get anxious. I panic. I feel disgusting, and dirty. I completely support women not wanting to shave- legs or anything else. I envy them, to be honest.
So, that’s where this comes in.
I shaved day before yesterday. That means I’m on day 2. Goal? 7 days. I plan to go 7 days without touching my razor. We have the Dollar Shave Club subscription, which is amazing. It’s affordable, convenient, and the razors are the best quality. Even so, shaving is time consuming, and I want to be over this aversion to body hair.
Feel free to join me ladies. We got this.